The Raunch Review: Book 11

Violet Malice has had a steaming dog shit of a week. It’s her birthday and she is unwell and alone, which is ironic. She always finds her birthday difficult: she thinks about how her mum had no visitors in hospital. Violet’s mum always says, “You were my only visitor” and tells the story about how she would go for a bath during visiting hours so people wouldn’t stare at her, searching for the reason, why was she on her own. How she asked the midwife to give her a cuddle when she was empty and exhausted. And how the nurses gave her all the brown flowers and half eaten boxes of chocolates because they felt sorry for her. On this day – Violet allows herself to feel sad, sad that we are not all born out of love and that it only takes one orgasm to make a baby (when at least two should be mandatory, surely?).

When all else fails, read more erotica. On the hunt for a bedtime read that gets the cream turning and the train slamming on its brakes. Violet’s weekly adult book review attempts to answer that cake covered question: can a good book ever be as complete as a good fuck?

Book title: House of Holes
Author: Nicholson Baker
Publisher of this edition: Simon & Schuster
Copyright: © Nicholson Baker 2011
Publication date: 2011
Cover art: Steven Wilson

THE RAUNCH REVIEW: Violet’s Verdict

Quick synopsis: Loads of people find themselves sucked into a sex crazed pleasure resort called the House of Holes, where you can basically do whatever your heart desires. For instance, people can get bigger cocks or arses, have it off with loads of headless men/women, experience what it would be like to have a different set of genitals for a week, have sex with a tree, have a butchers in the hall of penises etc etc

Title: The title is pretty trashy, which is not a bad thing. The book is 99.9% porno so there’s no point beating around the bush really. The ins and outs of it are that you know, any hole is a goal – or so it seems. The men get charged extortionate amounts of money to stay at the House of Holes because obviously man invented money and women don’t have any or need to pay for that sort of thing because women can get fucked any fucking time they want right? Women are basically a house of holes – nice knee-length tablecloth, red cheeks from the oven, and lots of grateful holes for the toads to choose from.

Cover image: Boring. A circus tent where her pussy should be and one of those hats that looks like a cock – fucking brilliant [sarcastic].

Wurst sentence/s in the book:

“In general I come hardest when I put something in my ass. My husband is away a lot, and I read one of my erotic romance books about bad assfucking vampires, and I start to get a little wild, and I put a screwdriver in a latex glove and put the handle up my ass.”

“I think you may have just crapped the bathtub.”

“I’d love to see your whole gaping snatch hole just munching on that orgasm, just chewing on that big sweet piece of half-melted pleasure that’s hidden inside you.”

“Yes, Mr. Fuckwizard, we want that fully spunkloaded meatloaf of a ham steak of a dick.”

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Overall sexual content: The book starts very promisingly – a young woman finds a disembodied arm in a quarry. The arm knows its way around a pair of pyjama bottoms wink wink nod nod (i.e. the disembodied arm is very good at fingering). And rather than speaking, the arm communicates through the written word, which is fucking ideal. Speaking is so tedious and ineffectual. 

The book is full of massively trashy surreal sex stuff that teases you a bit with its potential – no holes barred is a nice ideal on paper – but it sadly falls short!

Don’t get me wrong there are some passages that are very sexy, but the childish language used again and again to describe sex organs and sex acts is very jarring – pussytwat, slippy sloppy fuckfountains, cockitude, pornsucker, dickmeat, peckerdickcock. I am a big fan of swear words and vulgarity.  In this book however it just really misses the mark – it’s neither funny nor sexy, both of which are crucial ingredients for a good omelette.

Overall conclusion: 5 out of 10.

Titillation station: It’s much too ridiculous in the main. However, there were a few passages that got me hot under the collar – including the bit when the guy that has had a cock transplant watches the woman fuck him with his own cock. It’s funny because she asks him to suck his own dick and he refuses for some reason.

Food for thought: This book could have been a belter! But sadly it’s too male and lazy. Too hetero and obsessed with its own cock size.

I will list some specific issues below:

– When asked if you could have anything what would it be – man replies I’d like  every woman in the world to see his dick

– Why does everyone want to change themselves to be more attractive – everything bigger bigger larger harder – I think the sexiest bodies are real bodies – please stop trying to pull us all down into the capitalist shit heap

– Certain men are given an ‘ass-squeezer’s license’ which means that they can squeeze the arse of any woman they want – sadly this is a bit too close to home, we’ve all met a few of these cunts out in the wild, in the workplace or in a bar – that’s why I have a taser

– Certain men are told they have magic sperm – HAahahah HahahHhaha

– No women have multiple orgasms in this book! WTF!

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Violet Malice

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