Quality Street have started wrapping their chocolates in paper instead of shiny plastic. When you open up a tub now, it feels like a bit of a let down. All those dull pastel shapes dumped into a purple plastic octagon waiting to be scoffed. Maybe, they should get rid of the fucking tub and melt it down into something useful. Like a bendy bottom smacker. The tins used to be well good for keeping cakes alive, but they got shot of them long ago. The plastic tub is another sort of single-uselessness and it feels like they are putting the blame on us, the chocolate eating public, for being too greedy. Those fucking tubs can’t be ‘easily recycled’, which basically means they can’t be bloody recycled. There must be something you can use the empty shell for. I Googled it and some dodgy looking website says that you can use your empty tub as an ice bucket or to put clothes pegs in. How wonderful!
Violet’s monthly (let’s be honest) adult book review looks at a bottom smacker of a dirty book. The aim, as always, is to attempt to answer that cracking question: can a good book ever be as stingy as a good fuck?
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Book title: There’s a Whip in My Valise
Author: Greta X
Introduction: John De St. Jorre
Publisher of this edition: Delectus Books
Copyright: © Delectus Books 1995
First published: 1961
Cover design: image engineering
THE RAUNCH REVIEW: Violet’s Verdict
Quick synopsis: Two Swedish hitchhikers tie up an aristocrat in a wood and whip him until he’s in a pretty bad way and then fuck him. This sadist and nympho combo then leave this dude prostrate in his Rolls-Royce on the hard shoulder and go off to visit their friend who is also a dominatrix and full-time nanny for this rich submissive Danish guy. Meanwhile, this German pain expert and her assistant travel to see this Danish gentleman to give him a going over. It culminates with all five sadistic women thrashing this man like dog until he breaks his chains.
Title: This book is all about flagellation, so whips are pretty useful for you know this purpose. The sadists in the book have special cases for their whips and crops and spanking paraphernalia, giving the impression that they are professional purveyors of pain for pleasure. Much like doctors with their big leather bag of tricks. The title is pretty good, because it’s colloquial and casual, almost like ‘just so you know’ there’s a mile long whip in my rucksack if you fancy it.
Cover image: Just wondering why her skirt is so high. Her arse is probably hanging right out. Great thrashing pose. Menacing and yet sexy.
Best sentences in the book:
No pain could interrupt an ejaculation once it had begun.
I don’t want you whipping him into impotency.
He raised his hips and pulled his now flaccid penis out of the blonde’s vagina.
His penis, with its violent thrusts, seemed to reach up as far as her stomach.
He felt it nose against the mouth of her passage.
The tip of the whip curled round him and bit into a testicle.
She felt as though a hundred fingertips, each charged with electricity, were caressing the whole of her sexual nervous system.
“And if you look at his trousers as he comes into the room you’ll see he has an erection.”
“Be careful,” he said. “I may be a high-heel fetishist as Marlene says, but I don’t want to be permanently injured.”
She did not know which she wanted more at that moment – to whip, or to push her dildo into someone.
“Tie up his ball-bag,” said Marlene.
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Overall sexual content: Very moving in the nethers.
All that bum smacking and arse whipping is pretty sizzling. It seems to go on for ages, which like climbing a mountain gets you all light headed and wobbly kneed. The women are sexual predators, but it tastes very strongly like the book is written for men to wank over, which spoilt it for me.
Overall conclusion: 7 out of 10.
Titillation station: There’s a really good bit where all the five sadists and the Danish host are having a slap up meal around his big polished mahogany table. They wrap cord around his big ball bag and cock and yank on this string while he’s trying to eat his soup. It’s pretty fucking funny. And I’ve always had a bit of a thing about fine dining with all those dinner jackets and no trousers. Under the table is where all the raw meats and fleshy thighs are being fingered.
Food for thought: Sadly Greta X was actually an Englishman of some status and you can tell. The book would be out of this world if it had actually been written either by a woman or for a general delicious reader rather than directed at men. For instance, it’s annoying that there is a great focus on how attractive all the women are, which really isn’t necessary. It also spoils it that all the men are seemingly going along with the submissive thing, they are not totally sold on it. In the end, the Danish guy rips off his shackles whilst he’s been thrashed and starts brutally attacking the women. This is a total no-no. They should have fucking killed him dead. That’s how I wanted it to end.
P.S. The guy in the Rolls-Royce goes to the police and says he was throttled and sexually assaulted by two men rather than two women. He ends up getting a taste for ‘unusual’ sex because of what happened to him that cold afternoon. I’m not sure it really works like that.
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