The Raunch Review: Book 32

I changed my broadband provider recently. I was forced into it, if you must know. The situation was pretty rough, I had to hang my head of the window to get a limp-wristed hand shank of a shit signal. Couldn’t bloody do anything. Total fucking ball ache. It takes the bastards about two years to sort out a separation (the big cut off) and then a remarriage to a new superfast supplier, and they act as though you should be grateful. They eventually managed to send an engineer round to finger my cables in the rain. Then, you’re off. The world suddenly seems less small, less content. 

So, here we go again. Violet’s sporadic adult book review looks at a ruddy bloody masterpiece of a dirty book. Something quite extraordinary between the covers. The aim, as always, is to attempt to answer that swollen question: can a good book ever be as memorable as a good fuck?

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Book title: Helen and Desire
Author: Alexander Trocchi
Introduction: Edwin Morgan
Publisher of this edition: Rebel Inc
Copyright: © Alexander Trocchi, 1954
First published: 1954
Photography: Peter Ross

THE RAUNCH REVIEW: Violet’s Verdict

Quick synopsis: The book recounts the sexual adventures in the cuming-of-age journey of 18-year-old Australian Helen Smith. It’s kind of like a diary, but not really. She basically makes a run for it from her father and goes on a sex rampage around the world. Driven by the unrelenting desire to have it off. 

Title: Says pretty much what’s in the tin. Meat and two veg. Helen and her desire are the main boner running through the book, so yeah. It’s widely acknowledged that Trocchi wrote the book in a week because he was skint, so he probably didn’t have much time for the title. Obviously, the name Helen immediately makes you think of Helen of Troy and all the shit that went down because of her face. 

Cover image: I am a big fan of this cover! Mainly because I reckon a load of people don’t even notice the pubes/bush at the bottom. The photo is a good choice because it screams masturbation and female desire/pleasure, which is both what this book is all about and something that needs to be celebrated/discussed more. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to work out whether it’s a man’s hand in the photo and I’m leaning towards, yes (because of the signet ring and the shape of the fingers). 

Best sentences in the story:

Occasionally, leaning the weight of his body on top of one of her arms, he released his grip with one hand, reached down, and clawed at the swelling white orb of one buttock which stuck out from the frilly lace of her knickers like the gleaming nob of a boiled egg from a tattered eggshell. 

Snaith fingered me under the table but I made him desist because I was anxious to get to Charleston as quickly as possible.

Simultaneously, my nerves registered the final ecstatic vibrations of the strong shaft which transfixed me. 

He sank on his big knees on the straw between the hot scissors of my legs and, guiding his member in with his fingers, he penetrated me, until his hard belly was at mine and his chest, under his sweatshirt, was riding on the firm ballbearings of my nipples. 

When a man is involved in the warm chrysalis of a woman, the confederacy of motion, the mutual seed pleasures, can take place on various axes. 

He raised her legs onto her stomach, opened her thighs like a bible and lowered his muscly front into the soft and shadowy cleft. 

Then his mouth quitted its task and there existed a lecherous rudder between my excited buttocks searching for the little studlike amethyst between them. 

The oily plump of white asparagus. 

She was a sweet bitch in the raw, gamey, sweaty, sweltering, bucking her beautiful arse like a serving-maid under a milkman. 

Two of them were not remarkable in any way, women merely, like taxis waiting, over a small drink, for whatever men might enter. 

The tremors in my wrists, flanks, and calves continued for some time under the sweet suffocation that I continued to experience beneath his spent weight.


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Overall sexual content: I think it’s really hot. Despite lots of reviews online saying that the sex is overcooked (it is true that the sentences are long and wordy), I don’t agree. Trocchi’s writing sucked me in/off and tickled my underneath. I suppose it could be a question of taste, like everything. 

The book blasts open with Helen having sex with a massive log on the beach. It’s pretty heady/steamy and creates a muggy atmosphere of the erotic, which is powerful. I certainly think something indescribable (that’s all I can manage) about desire is captured in this book. 

Overall conclusion: 9 out of 10.

Titillation station: As with the majority of dirty books, the storyline is almost redundant. It just strings the sex scenes together. I think that’s forgivable and almost valuable here, as it enables the reader to get lost in the sexy stuff without having to give a shit about the plot or what stuff is going down where. You can also feel a sense of urgency in the writing (polishing it off in a week is pretty good going), not only because it could do with another wave of editing, but also because Helen needs to be pleasured all the fucking time.  

Food for thought: Helen has sex with some navy seal whilst he is flying a light aircraft over a wide expanse of water. He manages to multitask, but sadly Trocchi doesn’t describe the flaps coming down and the screech from the tires. I suppose everything leads there in the end: once you’ve done it on a train toilet and upstairs on a double decker and with some well-hung king or other, the sky is the limit. 

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The Raunch Review: Book 10

Violet Malice with a beard

Violet Malice has been reading pulpy paperbacks like nobody’s business this week. Beware of the sex robot. She has been ruminating on the use of keelhauling in the olden days and wondering whether taking the width instead of the length as punishment would be shameful. If you were unlucky enough to survive, of course. On the look out for a bedtime read that gets the sweat glands firing and the deep oval grape getting eaten. Violet’s weekly adult book review attempts to answer that multifaceted question: can a good book ever be as liquid as a good fuck?

Pulp paperback by Ed Martin

Book title: Frankenstein ’69
Author: Ed Martin
Publisher of this edition: The Olympia Press
Copyright: © Ed Martin 1969
Publication date of this edition: 1972
Cover photo: Giles Lagarde

THE RAUNCH REVIEW: Violet’s Verdict

Quick synopsis: A castle-dwelling scientist Ygor and his insatiable wife Hortense (how do you make a whore tense?) conduct sex research on two students. Meanwhile, Ygor finally succeeds in bringing to life three beautiful virgins, constructed from metal pipes and screw bits, otherwise known as Frankensteinesses. The rub comes in the shape of a higher power: Appalled by the fact that one of Ygor’s students has become pregnant, while her virginity remains in tact, which means that she will give birth to an amphibian, the king of the mermaids orders two of his randiest stooges to go and ‘unpregnant’ her. Then it all kicks off – as one might expect.

Title: The title is pretty good – it certainly piqued my interest – even though it doesn’t really fit with the story. Yes – the mad scientist creates some robot sex humans but they are not really human or at least they are not made from human body parts like Frankenstein’s monster. Although Ygor and his wife do find themselves disgusted by their creations, and have to runaway on several occasions, because the sex robots won’t stop having sex with them or each other. It’s likely the title was given to Ed Martin before he’d started writing.

The ’69 aspect presumably relates to the year it was written. Although I like to think it refers to all the long flowery descriptions of oral hygiene and sexy root canals littering the pages. I think at least 83% of the book is dedicated to the art of facetime or facedowntime. Like right down there. Up the guts.

Cover image: Beautiful. Iconic. What’s not to like? Although, she could be in a morgue or on a butcher’s slab. And the necklace – from far away – could look like her head has been sewn on. Much like Frankenstein’s creature. But he was a hideous amalgam of corpses remember. Not a rosebud about to be introduced to a force 5 (Beaufort scale, yeah).

Best sentence/s in the book:

“I’d love to screw something up your asshole and ram it in and out until you come like a fucking fountain.”

“If his nuts got any higher he might, as they say a bit coarsely, spray his fuck.”

“Hey, big-tits, swim over here and suck my cock.”

“You keep that up, baby, and I’m going to come off in your hand.”

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Overall sexual content: The BEST book I have ever read!

Not only is the sex amazing and glorious and poetically written, but it’s funny and warm and sticky and celebratory.

All of the characters love sex. All of the genitals receive a great deal of attention – literal and metaphorical. The mermaids have cocks and pussies and everybody gets off all of the time. Relentlessly. Gratuitously.

I’ve never read sex writing as good as this! I don’t know what else to say.

Even the bits about beastiality – when one of the mermaids has sex with a horse – are fucking ace-in-the-hole. Or when the virgin fucks herself with a log because she’s that way inclined.

Overall conclusion: 9.9 out of 10.

Titillation station: Liquid decadence has never felt this good. It used to smell like a hungry rainforest and now it smells like a sweaty man with a frothing mouth organ. I’m talking chocolate habanero (Scoville scale, alright).

Food for thought: This book is like if Shakespeare wrote some porn and wasn’t such a hairy conservative arsecrack, i.e. the dialogue and the description are fucking outstanding. As an example – because I can tell you’re doubting me – here are a few gems:

go ahead cook your tits —— (this had me literally pissing the bed)

a kind of relaxed mid-afternoon casual spontaneous prolonged fuck in the garden ———- (Jesus couldn’t have strung it out better)

they call the king of the mermaids a different term of formal address throughout the book, including: Your Quivering Prostate; His Permanent Erection; Centurion of Cuntjuice; Rector of Rectums; The Gaping Shaved Pussy; Master of the Triple Come; you get the picture…

What a gloriously fun book! The fantastical element – the mermaids and shit – is perfectly balanced in order to allow the reader to dip their toe into the deep dark pool of perversion without being pulled under. The virgin sex robot dolls element enables the writer to present sex from an entirely innocent and curious perspective without again careering into anything uncomfortable. And it makes for some great comedy:

Carole [the brunette sex robot] was still stretched out on the table. She had her pussy peeled down and was trying to fish inside for loose wires. “Someone has just got to fix my pussy,” she wails. And then later on she astutely observes: “Oh look, I’m getting the shit fucked out of me!” 

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The Raunch Review: Book 4

Violet Malice has been sucked inside another work of erotica this week. Like walking into a wardrobe for a fresh vest and finding yourself in a dark room in Berghain with a sex wolf sniffing at your privates. Keen to find a bedtime read that cuts the mustard and dabs it lovingly around the perineum. Violet’s weekly adult book review attempts to answer that insatiable question: can a good book ever be as tactile as a good fuck?

Bondage Trash
Bondage Trash by Jon Horn

Book title: Bondage Trash
Author: Jon Horn
First published: 1968

THE RAUNCH REVIEW: Violet’s Verdict

Quick synopsis: The book presents a collection of supposedly factual documentation on a dystopian sex crazed society where nothing is off limits. There are no real plot lines, just disconnected chapters of content detailing all manner of sexual deviancy. In Part Two of the book it switches from ‘The Material’ to ‘The Dossier’ where certain extreme cases/patients are analysed and pulled apart by anonymous state-backed medical professionals. The book is dominated (pun intended) by sadomasochism, power and cruelty, almost as if this sick society is so full of hate fucks that absolutely no other feelings exist anymore.

Front cover: Some nice chains. Like it. Words like restraint, cold, hard, metal and capitalism come to mind.

Title: Probably one of the best book titles ever. Two words that twist and writhe against each other. Both things I like: bondage and trash. Certainly, the title and cover image made me want to read the book on a busy train on the underground. Holding the book proudly just below my lips to slightly obscure my lime boobtube from all the Financial Times reading professionals squeezed into their mohair business suits.

Best two-word phrase in the book: In all honesty way too many to choose from. Here are a few gems: semen crystals, goats’ rectums, unmarried gynaecologists, cornflake face, swallow girls, dream cunt, aphrodisiac cocktails, champagne fellatio, pink traffic, ambulating climax, wild scrotum, musky aphrodizzy, gonadal goo, gastric surroundings. 

Best hyphens: Pudenda-bender [the perfect precursor to my poem Tinder Bender!! which you can purchase for cold hard currency here], peeping-Tomism, fuck-and-suck, genitourinary-world-view, sex-police.

Best sentence/s in the book: Brace yourself please:

He finally confessed that he collects slices of sausage, preserves them, each slice in a glass jar, and indulges in onanistic and instructive fantasies. 

He saw a girl in a white dress spattered with mud from a passing car one day and had an erection. 

Kisses and caresses, a state of rapport; the old rich fart sans pajamas jacks off in a hat and his clique follows suit, their jackulations join like merging streams of milk of magnesia, disturbing transports showering applause on the two girls revealed now in successful and aesthetic union, auras of cunnilingual crescendo shimmering through the rainbow of the semen spray, wriggling gold limbs rippling with orgasmic spasms of fury from French aristocrats, old dowagers, hommes des lettres, and danseuses… arms and fingers grasping flesh. 

Clara appeared with her hubby on a golden leash; hubby wore falsies, was obviously crotch-bound under a flimsy and soiled bikini bottom, had a maniacal queen expression and smelled of pancake makeup and scum.

I came all over the corset-torture brochure and checked the time. 

The removal of the clitoris was ordered for all torture girls working the street by legislation proposed by the once notorious CUNT (cartel of the uninhibited nymph-tormentresses). 

The wife stared at us with haughty flashy glazed eyes, like a queen watching two monkeys doing it.

Best paragraph in the book: On our wedding night he forced a coconut custard pie into my hands without any expression of endearment and told me to throw it at his face. I complied, though puzzled, and watched him have an immediate orgasm. We were nude. I had expected thrills. But this! And then he brought out a second pie – I had wondered why he had brought two pies into our bridal suite – and, when he had wiped the pie off his face and the come off his prick, he told me to throw the second pie at his ass, and turned around. Naturally I was indignant. He slapped me, hard. So I obeyed him, and watched him come again. Then he was nice to me for a while. Later I realised he was only buttering me up for the main event: I had to lather up his chest with shaving cream, straddling and sitting on him to do it, and then I had to shave his chest slowly, while he got an erection. Then – can you believe it? – he wanted me to shit on his chest! Luckily I hadn’t taken a shit since after the wedding rehearsal the day before, so I could provide him with the biggest kick; otherwise he would have been mean, like he was on nights when I just didn’t have it for him, later on. He was always nice to me just before and just after. But what about me? I asked him. I wasn’t having any fun. This he always ignored. He never wanted to enter my body in any way, and though I disported myself quite lewdly for a while in the beginning, hoping to arouse his interest in my cunt or at least my armpit (for such were my desires), he only got itchy for pies and the chest-shit again. 

Story of my life!

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Sexual content: Great writer obviously. Very very very funny. The book is a barrage of extreme sex. Disassociated, unrelenting and frenzied. A society that seems bereft of all generosity. No one seems to have fulfilling sex, and even though they climax, they are left wanting something more, something worse. However much they come together, they seem to get further and further apart. Desperation leads to an insatiable appetite to fight loneliness through the abuse of others.  So sadly the book is in no way titillating and I am sure Jon Horn didn’t intend it to be.

It goes without saying that if you want to present a sick sex fuelled society, alienating and shocking the reader are probably a good way to blow.

Overall conclusion: 8 out of 10.

Glorious full-on assault of trash and dirty dirty filth. Superb book for anyone that loves literature and great funny writing.  Less so if you are in it for those lovely warm feelings or want to see S&M presented in a creamier less offensive sauce.

Titillation station: Two hander. No need for sitting on any limbs here.

Food for thought: It makes me think of a sexy Bladerunner with Harrison Ford impounding Rutger’s athletic body in some sort of medical facility to try and understand why no one has any feelings any more aside from the fleeting obliteration of orgasm. Perfect ending!

shit fuck cunt        (dies) 

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Violet Malice

Suck It and See